We all mess up whether its intentionally or unintentionally. Your apology language is how you prefer to give and receive an “I’m sorry.”
Many of you are just learning the significance of love languages, which were developed to help you understand how you prefer to receive and express affection, apology languages were designed as different ways to tell or show someone you’re sorry.
Created by clinical psychologist Dr. Jennifer Thomas and Dr. Gary Chapman, a marriage counselor, the five apology languages are expressing regret, accepting responsibility, making restitution, genuinely repenting, and requesting forgiveness. These are important because it helps with conflict resolutions.
While some people may lean more strongly toward one apology language, it’s possible to have multiple, depending on the situation. I’ve been through them all.
To offer various approaches to apologizing here is a breakdown of each one and how to tell if it’s your preferred apology language.
Expressing regret
This apology language involves the simple act of saying “I’m sorry”. It’s simply all about recognizing that you’ve done something wrong and owe your partner an apology. Sounds basic but don’t underestimate the impact it may have.
Many people find it hard to say the words “I’m sorry” and let their pride get in the way, so this apology language can hold a lot of meaning.
- You want someone to acknowledge the hurt they caused.
- You want someone to genuinely express that they regret their actions.
- You want to feel validated in your emotions.
Accepting responsibility
The second apology language, accepting responsibility, occurs when someone earnestly admits they were wrong to do what they did.
- You want someone to take ownership of the hurt they caused.
- You want someone to clearly state what they did wrong, to prove they can learn from the mistake.
- You don’t want to hear excuses.
Making restitution
The third apology language, making restitution, includes finding a way to correct the situation. I call it put your money where your mouth is!
For some people, a simple “sorry” won’t cut it. I know it wont for me!
But if they see that you’re willing to do something to make things right, they can tell you’re being sincere.
This is a common apology scenario if something is lost, broken, or damaged and the apologizer offers to replace the item or pay for the inconvenience. It can also occur in more serious situations if a person is deeply betrayed, and the person who did it makes it up to them.
Simply asking “I’m sorry for XYZ. What can I do to make things right?” Will take this situation a long way.
I’d say still be careful with this one!
- You want someone to prove they’re willing to correct the problem Actions are louder than words!
- You find it important that the perpetrator “makes things right again,” whatever that might look like.
- You want someone to take the lead in a situation.
Genuinely repenting
The fourth apology language, genuinely repenting, requires a change of behavior. Saying sorry is not enough. This apology language isn’t just about verbalizing that you feel bad about upsetting your partner but, that you actively won’t make the same mistake in the future. Your partner might find it hard to forgive if they don’t see you’re committed to change.
- You need proof that someone is growing and working toward change.
- You need assurance that you won’t be let down the next time around.
- Words just aren’t enough for you.
Requesting forgiveness
The fifth apology language, requesting forgiveness, allows the other person time to process their hurt before assuming everything is back to normal.
The requesting forgiveness apology language shows your partner that you respect their feelings, and that you care about repairing after an argument. It also communicates vulnerability because your partner might not be willing to forgive you right away.
- You need more from the apology and want the space to ask for it.
- You need to know the person apologizing is willing to wait until you’re ready.
What’s your apology language? What works best for you?
