I’m convinced emotional and physical baggage makes dating more challenging and complicated when you’re in your mid-20s and 30s.

Remember when I told you I was single and wasn’t looking to mingle? Well, I had a change of heart. Recently, I found myself wanting to date. I thought I was missing something and that something was a romantic relationship. Therefore, I open myself up to dating. Let’s just say it was going well… then it wasn’t. I immediately wanted out!

After several conversations with a close male friend, he told me I suffer from dismissive avoidant personality disorder. After doing research I had to agree with him.

Dismissive avoidant attachment is a term for when someone tries to avoid emotional connection, attachment, and closeness to other people.

Attachment styles are based on attachment theory, which is an idea that breaks down the different ways that people connect with others into an assortment of attachment styles.

As a person with a dismissive-avoidant style I am afraid of abandonment or the end of a relationship. When conflicts happen, or if things aren’t going my way or if a person display red flags I’ll start looking for the fastest way out of the relationship or whatever we have going on.

In my mind, cutting the relationship short prevents me from dealing with the distress of conflict and the fear that I’ll will be rejected first.

I have to leave first!

While others might cry about the separation or get depressed, I jump back into self-sufficiency because I’ve already practiced closing off my heart.

Don’t get me wrong, if I really liked the person I will dwell in the situation for sometime but, not too long. Once I talked about it one hundred times and process whether it was me or him… I’m over it.

Of course I have dreams about meeting a romantic partner, getting married, or starting a family, but connecting on a deeper level is more challenging because most times I do not feel comfortable in emotionally vulnerable situations.

Adults with this attachment style generally avoid intimacy or emotional closeness. They also tend to hide or suppress their feelings when faced with a potentially emotion-dense situation, such as conflict.

I’ve learned over time doing this may prevent stress short term but, it makes it difficult to maintain lasting relationships and contributes to social isolation and loneliness in the long term.

According to Silvi Saxena, a licensed medical social worker and mental health clinician the characteristics of dismissive avoidant attachment would look like…

Being highly secretive: People who are dismissive-avoidant are often secretive and rigid, not allowing their own plans to be influenced by others, and often not even disclosing those plans at all. Many will agree this is secretive but I call it being private. I just like to keep things low key until it manifest. Not everybody can see or understand the vision.

Dismissive: When someone tries to get close to a person with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style, they may step back completely from the relationship or friendship. They may be seen as cold, distant, and closed off.

I withdraw from connection without explanation!

If I’m not feeling you or you do something to make me question you. I cut all communication with no hesitation. Can it be cold? Absolutely but its very necessary for my well being.

I shut down quickly when I’m triggered!

Brief, casual relationships: In terms of relationships, those with dismissive-avoidant attachment are often more prone to short and shallow romantic partnerships, in which the connection is casual and is usually over quickly.

Short and casual relationships help the dismissive-avoidant person avoid any feelings of closeness toward others and don’t offer others the opportunity to feel close to them. I like to keep things balanced with a mutual understanding.

Being that I am not ready to date and not prioritizing romantic relationships I’m focusing on me.

As always, focusing on your personal growth is better than chasing romantic goals. I have been devoting my energy to studying, perfecting my craft, expanding my business and exploring my identity.

If you’re facing similar characteristics, I strongly recommend you seek therapy. You can utilize a therapist who specializes in relationships or one who is knowledgeable about the attachment theory.

I’m actually going to get back into therapy for this very reason. Many of my issues sparked from my childhood and my way of thinking throughout my adult years.