Let me ask you a real question:
Do you actually have a hard time finding friends or do you have a hard time maintaining and nurturing them once you meet people?
Because if I’m being honest, when I see friendships, especially the ones that look healthy, I instantly want that for myself. You know the ones. Friend groups creating content together, taking trips, doing weekly outings, celebrating milestones, showing up for each other. Some of those friendships started in elementary school, some in college, and some look brand new but somehow just clicked.
And naturally, the thought creeps in: Why is it so hard for me to make friends? What am I doing wrong?
If you’ve ever asked yourself that, trust me, you’re not alone.
The truth is, most of us aren’t walking around completely isolated. We meet people at work, events, the gym, church, brunch, networking mixers, and online spaces. Yet somehow, we still end up saying, “It’s so hard to make friends as an adult.”
So let’s talk about what’s really going on.
1. We confuse access with effort
We have more access to people than ever before, but access doesn’t equal connection. Adult friendships don’t come with built-in closeness like school or college did. Nobody is automatically your friend just because you see them often.
Friendships now require intention, following up, checking in, initiating plans. Many of us stop after one or two interactions and expect chemistry to do the rest. When it doesn’t, we assume something is wrong.
2. We want instant depth
We crave friendships that feel safe, loyal, aligned, and deep immediately. But real friendships are built through shared experiences, time, and consistency.
When a connection feels surface-level or awkward at first, we write it off instead of letting it develop. Not every meaningful friendship starts with fireworks, some start quietly and grow beautifully over time.
3. Everyone is busy… but priorities tell the truth
Yes, adulthood is demanding. Careers, relationships, kids, side hustles, healing seasons, we’re carrying a lot. But friendships don’t survive on good intentions alone.
If friendships are always the first thing sacrificed, they’ll never have room to grow. Wanting community without making space for it creates frustration instead of fulfillment.
4. Emotional availability is lower than we admit
Many of us are still healing from past friendship wounds fallouts, betrayal, comparison, or feeling left out. As a result, we guard ourselves heavily.
If vulnerability feels scary, communication feels uncomfortable, or conflict feels like an automatic dealbreaker, friendships will feel hard even with the right people.
5. We don’t nurture friendships like relationships
We nurture romantic relationships with patience, grace, and communication, but expect friendships to “just work.” When tension shows up, some of us retreat instead of talking it through.
Friendships need care, boundaries, forgiveness, and effort too. They don’t fail because we’re unworthy, they fade when they’re not nurtured.
The real takeaway
Struggling to make friends as an adult doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. It means you’re navigating connection in a new season without the same built-in structure you once had.
Adult friendships aren’t impossible. They’re intentional.
And once we shift from asking “Why is this so hard?” to “How can I nurture what’s already in front of me?”…everything starts to change.
You’re not behind. You’re just learning how to build community in a grown-woman season.
